Leaving Thoughts

As I am leaving Calgary and returning to Knoxville on Saturday, I'm just struck by how quickly the internship went by. As my time in Calgary draws to a close, I have much to think about. 

We have accomplished our tasks here for this term.  My experience in Tanzania was eye opening and meaningful. We finished the drawings for Efeso Student Center, printed, and mailed the drawings out, not leaving further work for next semester' s interns. I performed all the tasks given to me to the best of my ability, finishing drawings, reports, and renders, learning cad and sketchup. We finished stuffing the envelopes for Christmas newsletters, all 1600 of them. I met lots of cool people and I will miss them and wish I could have gotten to know them better.

But as I am finishing up, to be honest, I also feel a bit unsatisfied. Did I truly make a difference in the world? Have I just gotten my "good deed fix"? Is it bad that I am not staying another semester? Then again, would I gain or even help by giving another semester? I don't feel much different than normal and I have little conformation about life and the direction I'm supposed to take. I mean, like if anything, I feel more confusion about the direction I'm supposed to take. Many people have given many different words of advice. 

Michele had led one of our daily devotions specifically for the interns in light of the decisions to be made, kinda talking about how the disciples were called to Jesus after their huge catch of fish. The disciples are called to follow Jesus, and consequently leave everything behind, including the largest catch of fish they had ever made. Circumstantially, for the disciples it would seemed like Christ has confirmed the disciples' fishing profession, but instead he calls them to leave even that dream catch behind for that which is better. This is simultaneously confusing and yet perfectly clear. Christ calls us to follow him, regardless of circumstance. Sometimes he uses circumstance and sometimes he calls us to leave behind even that dream job to pursue him. But for me, discerning God's will is so very difficult. Discerning God's voice among the voices of parents, mentors, the world's vision of success is often more difficult than it seems. 

As this term draws to a close, I reflect upon these feelings of disappointment and realize I indeed had more expectations for this internship than I knew about. I expected to make life-long friends, maybe find a soul mate, learn about culture, be revealed God's will for my life, gain conformation that architecture or eMi is what I want to do with my life, make a difference in the world, help people, be useful, be mentored, get closer to God, ...find a place where I belong. Now that I am reflecting on this, I didn't get the conformation that I desire. I ran out of time or energy to do a lot of the things I wanted to. And in the end, I feel no more like I belong here than anywhere else. I feel that I have successfully poured myself into work and gotten that accomplished, but my efforts in terms of fostering good, healthy, God-centered relationships with people feel to be only half-formed. 

And maybe these expectations were selfish to begin with. What is belonging really, since this world is not our home and even our greatest efforts to make this world a better place will only still leave it a shadow of the glorious perfection of the Kingdom to come. We are indeed, merely travelers passing by in the broken world, with no place to truly call home. Feelings are untrustworthy anyways, as the heart is deceitful above all things. Where feelings are lacking, faith should nevertheless stand firm. Faith should remain firm, based in the fact that God has enabled me to be here and faith in the fact that I know He can make a difference even when I feel nothing good has come of my presence being here. Feeling good is not important. I am not important, and if I can hold on to the fact that I have tried to be obedient to what he has called me to, perhaps the storm clouds of doubt swirling in my mind will listen to the Savior's call, "Peace, be still." After all, is God so weak that he cannot use a broken sinner like me? No, even my incompetence and relational anxiety cannot stop God from doing good things through me. Furthermore, it is better that I cling solely to God's reward, above all other well-intentioned but empty praises. To Him, my audience of One, I want to be found faithful. 

Oh Lord, please use a broken vessel such as I. I have nothing to offer to You, nothing which You have not already previously given to me. As Jesus tells Peter in John 21:22, what does it matter if you have called John to stay alive until you return, I must follow you, wherever you lead. Oh Lord, I desperately want to be useful and to belong, but let not these desires to feel okay overshadow the faith in You that You can and are using a broken, insignificant sinner such as I. Do not grant me these feelings if that will lead me to be proud of myself and cease to rely on You. 

Thanks again for all your prayers and your support. I couldn't have had this experience without all your support and this experience has been eye-opening in many ways even though I know not what everything means. And I want to thank you for your faith in God that He will be using your support of me, even if I myself do not completely know the good that has been done. May God bless your obedience and continue to be revealing His will to you, my brothers and sisters, as He continues to lead you in faith down your own path. May you also be able to discern God's individual plan for you, regardless of what he may plan for others. 

#Engineering Ministries International Canada

Tabora Video

We have posted a video about our project trip to Tabora here: http://youtube/4bzmBnzxAHo . If you have a spare 4 minutes, take a look!

Returns

Habari!

We have returned safely from Tanzania after two weeks away. The trip was good and productive, we accomplished all our goals for the project. For the rest of our time here, we will be working on finalizing the drawings. Praise God that we all made it safely back with no complications!  Sorry for the lateness of this update. I planned on having more inspiring things to say and cool things that I learned about my future on the trip. But after more than a week after I've returned, I've had no super amazing revelations about my experience and that's about the longest I can delay this post.

Going to Tanzania was certainly new, but it was also quite familiar in other ways. The buildings were kinda like poorer versions of what I had seen from my travels in China, Taiwan and Mexico. It certainly wasn't as different as I had thought it would be. 

We successfully did water tests, soil tests, surveying, and designed the masterplan and phasing for Efeso Baptist Church's student center. When we presented our plans, we got a lot of positive feedback from the church members, so that was also super exciting too. 

However, more than the architectural aspects of it, I remember more the other things. Every sunset and sunrise was beautiful and there were many beautiful birds just flying around out there. I met a lot of extremely gracious people that had a lot more love and patience than I had. The children were also extremely adorable and I spent a good amount of time just making faces at them, trying to get them to smile. 

The church had several people who spoke English well and it was easy enough to communicate with a smile around the church. I also picked up a little bit of Swahili, managing to almost master greetings and the names of several types of food and trees by the time we left. I praise God that he was super faithful in my one major concern about language.

I also experienced an amount of sad things too. There was a lot of brokenness of families from divorce, domestic violence, and traffic accident deaths. And sometimes the smiles didn't come easily to children's faces, as if it was something foreign to them. There were also times when I realized to many Tanzanians, white people were only seen as a Dollar Bill. We saw this especially when we were away from the church. The church was sold some land, but when we showed up, the original owners got angry and assumed that the church was making money from selling it to "white people" and demanded more money. It didn't even cross their mind that we were there to help and weren't benefiting monetarily from this in any way. It broke my heart how kindness is so foreign to many of the local Islamic people. 

Overall, I suppose I was expecting to get some kind of conformation that this is or is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. But for me, that did't  happen. I did what I was asked to do on the trip, but there were many times I felt I was being less than useful. I had fun, but the things I remember the most weren't architecture related. I suppose there will be more thinking in the next weeks about this experience and what it meant, but for now, I suppose I'm just happy knowing that we served the people there and will be continuing to serve them as we finish this project. It really isn't all about me but what we as the church have done for our brothers and sisters as they seek to further his kingdom. 

Engineering Ministries International

To Tanzania!

The time has come. 

After a month of being in Canada, finishing up and publishing past semester's projects, we are finally heading off to Tanzania today! Six of us leave from Calgary at approximately 8 pm (Mountain Time) and we will meet up with the two other members of our team on the way to Tabora! We will be doing survey work, master planning, drafting, and lots of research into regional building methods, soil types and building materials. We will likely be out of contact during the two weeks we will be away; contact will probably be limited to maybe an internet cafe. We will arrive back in Canada, October 18th, if all goes well.

I am excited and nervous to be going to a new continent. On one hand, everything will be new and amazing and I will see many beautiful things. On the other hand, I have no security, since I have absolutely no knowledge of anything roughly similar to Swahili, except for watching the Lion King. I also know very little about the culture. But throughout all my personal weaknesses, I am hoping to see God work in powerful ways both in and around me as we seek to serve those around us these two weeks. 

Please Pray for:

-Unity of the Team as most of us will have just met on the way over.

-Communication as we have no fluent Swahili speakers and will be playing mine games frequently

-Flexibility and adaptability as things are almost guaranteed to go differently than we expect

-Energy as there will be a lot off things to do in a short amount of time. 

-And that everything we do will all be for the glory of God, whether mess up or succeed at any particular task.

#Engineering Ministries International

Tanzania Again!

My project is now going to be in Tanzania again! This semester has been crazy for all the offices and many projects have been re-directed. The Canada office's Haiti trip got cancelled and it is easier to go on a project trip out of the same office where I work. Thus, I will be going to Tabora, Tanzania to design a Student Center with Efeso Baptist Church! 

I am excited to be going to a whole new continent, and way out of my comfort zone. When I was going to Haiti, I was a bit comforted to know that I knew a bit of French which would help me not be so lost. But I think it's going to be good that I will have to rely on God even more as I know absolutely no Swahili and have very little knowledge about what it will be like.

As you pray, please pray for:

-for unity and adaptability as I adjust to a smaller office and a different dynamic.

-the hearts, minds and bodies of the project team as we prepare for the trip in about a month. 

-my health, as I seem to be not sick enough for real concern, but have been coughing a lot recently for some reason. 

-God to be preparing the way ahead of us, preparing for us divine appointments.

-complete reliance on God rather than my own power, as it is far too easy to pretend that I have it under control. 

Thanks for reading!
To Him be the glory!

-Grace 

Intern Orientation

all of eMi's fall 2012 interns after a hike

Just got finished with intern orientation (4 days ago...dur)! It was a fun week of physical activity, like hiking and rock climbing with our eyes closed, and learning about what God is doing with eMi and how he has designed each of our personalities and individual stories.

Everyone has long since left to go to their respective countries and has made it safely by now. I was really worried about some of them, especially with the 5 person team with 16 bags to bring to Africa. Intern orientation is really like torture camp: make close friendships with people, and now leave them forever, or what feels like forever. 

The Canadian interns are hanging out in Colorado cause the Canadian office is on vacation right now. It's kinda weird hanging out with only some of the people from orientation. But it's also a blessing because although orientation was great, it was a lot of people. It's great to hang with the Colorado Springs interns more and I'm really thankful for this time before we go to Canada and there are just two of us interns there. 

How I Got Here.

Disclamer: Katie says no one will read this long of a post unless you are my mom, so be warned, it's really long.

Now granted, I'm not in Calgary yet, but while I wait here in eMi's Colorado's office for something more useful to do, there is much to tell about precisely how I got here. 

I decided a long time ago that I wanted to serve with Engineering Ministries International for a semester after I graduated from architecture school. I originally found out about eMi during my freshmen year at Carnegie Mellon University. Our Intervarsity chapter had a guest speaker from eMi come to talk to us. My friend and future roommate changed her major to civil engineering because of that talk. I actually don't remember much about what was talked about. 

As I went on with school, I could not help but be sometimes frustrated with architecture. Even though I had talent in it, I was struck by how futile it felt to be designing fancy buildings for rich people. My internships proved to be much of the same. The architecture firm that I worked for one summer had to accommodate the request of a client for a huge 6' thick backyard pizza oven with a built in plasma screen which might be used once a year. Although they decided against this, I could not believe how some people spent their money. 


While being frustrated with architecture school, I went on many missions trips while in college, doing homeless ministry and VBS camps. I ended up spending three spring breaks in Kensington, one of the most dangerous, drug-infested neighborhoods in Philadelphia. When compared to architecture school, these were some of the few times I felt truly alive during the semester. 

Philly Missions 2010

During this time of my education, many natural disasters happened: Hurricane Katrina, the Haiti earthquake, the Japan tsunami, etc. I remember very clearly feeling so paralyzed, not knowing how much money to donate and to whom and simultaneously realizing that I could not possibly give enough to help the problem much. Then, I remember the light bulb coming on: I was in architecture. I could actually physically help people in need. I already knew about Shigeru Ban, an architect who designed emergency shelters with cardboard tubes. This simple material change prevented the tent supports from being sold to make weapons and tents left un-usable. I was inspired at how such a small thing could have such a big impact.

Shigeru Ban's refugee tents

After my roomate served with eMi and visiting several eMi info sessions at Urbana 09, I decided to apply to eMi for the summer term after I graduated, because I'd have more experience to offer. Because they had an extremely large amount of applicants for the summer term, eMi rejected my summer application. I was really bummed because it was the only thing I wanted to do for the summer. During my spring break, my mom told me of some project needs that she saw on eMi Canada's website. She encouraged me to email Steve, the Canadian office leader. I emailed Steve and recieved a nice email back encouraging me to apply to eMi later and that he himself was not able to do engineering missions until later in his life. Although the email was encouraging, I was still discouraged that I was still not able to serve.

Literally two days after that email was sent, Steve sent me another email saying that the Canadian architectural intern position had suddenly opened up. I saw this as a huge answer to prayer and said yes but I would pray about it. I quickly did all my fundraising in about a month, which in and of itself was a huge miracle. I was very blessed in the fundraising, because many of the donations came from people I wouldn't have expected and the amounts some people were donating were mind-boggling to me. Furthermore, just the amount of people who said they would be praying for me was amazing.

So although I was prepared to leave for Canada on June 1st, life is nothing but unexpected.

My last two years of school, I was involved with our school's Urban Design Build Studio. While I was getting ready to come to eMi, my design build project was going along as many design build projects usually do, which is to say, horribly behind-schedule. Our project leader and professor mandated that we must finish the project to get our degrees. In retrospect, this was a wise decision, given that the project would not have gotten done if people were to start leaving. About a week before I was to leave for eMi, we were still painting the pieces of the barely-constructed structure and nowhere near done. I had two commitments that were both important to me. Unless I could find a time-turner, a tough decision needed to be made. 

I talked to a ton of people, prayed a ton, and thought a ton. In the end, I decided that I needed to be someone who has personal honor and upheld my previous commitment of finishing up the UDBS first even though I desperately wanted to serve with eMi. I am reminded of Colossians 3:23-24 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." I was working for God and I needed to glorify him in my schoolwork as well as in the missions field. Even though I was very upset, I felt at peace with this decision and I made a difficult phone call to delay my internship with eMi to the fall term.

So here I am, sitting at eMi's Colorado office, desk, just feet from the people who that answered my bad-news phone call from a few months ago. It's really weird to be thinking about this now, but I believe that God had some plan in it all. I have already been blessed by getting to know the interns in this semesters and I'm sure God has a plan in this, even if it really doesn't make much sense right now.