As I am leaving Calgary and returning to Knoxville on Saturday, I'm just struck by how quickly the internship went by. As my time in Calgary draws to a close, I have much to think about.
We have accomplished our tasks here for this term. My experience in Tanzania was eye opening and meaningful. We finished the drawings for Efeso Student Center, printed, and mailed the drawings out, not leaving further work for next semester' s interns. I performed all the tasks given to me to the best of my ability, finishing drawings, reports, and renders, learning cad and sketchup. We finished stuffing the envelopes for Christmas newsletters, all 1600 of them. I met lots of cool people and I will miss them and wish I could have gotten to know them better.
But as I am finishing up, to be honest, I also feel a bit unsatisfied. Did I truly make a difference in the world? Have I just gotten my "good deed fix"? Is it bad that I am not staying another semester? Then again, would I gain or even help by giving another semester? I don't feel much different than normal and I have little conformation about life and the direction I'm supposed to take. I mean, like if anything, I feel more confusion about the direction I'm supposed to take. Many people have given many different words of advice.
Michele had led one of our daily devotions specifically for the interns in light of the decisions to be made, kinda talking about how the disciples were called to Jesus after their huge catch of fish. The disciples are called to follow Jesus, and consequently leave everything behind, including the largest catch of fish they had ever made. Circumstantially, for the disciples it would seemed like Christ has confirmed the disciples' fishing profession, but instead he calls them to leave even that dream catch behind for that which is better. This is simultaneously confusing and yet perfectly clear. Christ calls us to follow him, regardless of circumstance. Sometimes he uses circumstance and sometimes he calls us to leave behind even that dream job to pursue him. But for me, discerning God's will is so very difficult. Discerning God's voice among the voices of parents, mentors, the world's vision of success is often more difficult than it seems.
As this term draws to a close, I reflect upon these feelings of disappointment and realize I indeed had more expectations for this internship than I knew about. I expected to make life-long friends, maybe find a soul mate, learn about culture, be revealed God's will for my life, gain conformation that architecture or eMi is what I want to do with my life, make a difference in the world, help people, be useful, be mentored, get closer to God, ...find a place where I belong. Now that I am reflecting on this, I didn't get the conformation that I desire. I ran out of time or energy to do a lot of the things I wanted to. And in the end, I feel no more like I belong here than anywhere else. I feel that I have successfully poured myself into work and gotten that accomplished, but my efforts in terms of fostering good, healthy, God-centered relationships with people feel to be only half-formed.
And maybe these expectations were selfish to begin with. What is belonging really, since this world is not our home and even our greatest efforts to make this world a better place will only still leave it a shadow of the glorious perfection of the Kingdom to come. We are indeed, merely travelers passing by in the broken world, with no place to truly call home. Feelings are untrustworthy anyways, as the heart is deceitful above all things. Where feelings are lacking, faith should nevertheless stand firm. Faith should remain firm, based in the fact that God has enabled me to be here and faith in the fact that I know He can make a difference even when I feel nothing good has come of my presence being here. Feeling good is not important. I am not important, and if I can hold on to the fact that I have tried to be obedient to what he has called me to, perhaps the storm clouds of doubt swirling in my mind will listen to the Savior's call, "Peace, be still." After all, is God so weak that he cannot use a broken sinner like me? No, even my incompetence and relational anxiety cannot stop God from doing good things through me. Furthermore, it is better that I cling solely to God's reward, above all other well-intentioned but empty praises. To Him, my audience of One, I want to be found faithful.
Oh Lord, please use a broken vessel such as I. I have nothing to offer to You, nothing which You have not already previously given to me. As Jesus tells Peter in John 21:22, what does it matter if you have called John to stay alive until you return, I must follow you, wherever you lead. Oh Lord, I desperately want to be useful and to belong, but let not these desires to feel okay overshadow the faith in You that You can and are using a broken, insignificant sinner such as I. Do not grant me these feelings if that will lead me to be proud of myself and cease to rely on You.
Thanks again for all your prayers and your support. I couldn't have had this experience without all your support and this experience has been eye-opening in many ways even though I know not what everything means. And I want to thank you for your faith in God that He will be using your support of me, even if I myself do not completely know the good that has been done. May God bless your obedience and continue to be revealing His will to you, my brothers and sisters, as He continues to lead you in faith down your own path. May you also be able to discern God's individual plan for you, regardless of what he may plan for others.
#Engineering Ministries International Canada
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